My Ducky, My Sister, My Mother, My Forever


You turned 40 this year… and I keep thinking - how did we get here? How did two little girls who had to grow up without a mum end up surviving everything life threw at us… and still loving as deeply as we do?

I was one. You were three. We were too young to understand what it meant when she left, but somehow, without ever being asked, you stepped into shoes no child should have to fill. You became my mother. My shield. My comfort. My everything.

I don’t think I’ve ever told you this - but you saved me, Ducky.
Every. Single. Day.

When I started school, the world felt too big, too loud, too frightening. I would cry and beg the teacher to take me to you. And when I finally saw your face, it was like the sun came out. You were my safety. My anchor. My home. You still are.

I found an old slam book recently where you’d written you once wanted to become a nun. I laughed and cried at the same time, because it’s so you - always led by a pure heart, wanting to heal the world. You may not wear a habit, but you’ve been my nun, my therapist, my guide, my safe place, all my life.

And now, you’ve grown into this extraordinary woman - a wife to Shane, a mother to beautiful little Ad, a therapist who still dreams of becoming a psychologist. You’ve carried your family across not just one, but two countries in just a few years — with Shane, Ad, Bambi, Lulu, Elsa, and Dangili - and somehow made each place feel like home. That’s your gift, Ducky. You don’t just live in a house, you create warmth, love, and belonging wherever you go.

This year, I had the gift of being with you for your 40th. Koh Samui. Bangkok. Weed gummies for the first time. A go-go bar (still laughing about that). Then back to Singapore to be with your family. It was me, you, and Shark - three sisters in spirit, making memories we’ll hold for a lifetime.

I call you Ducky because of the way you walk - but the truth is, you’ve always been the one walking ahead of me, clearing the way, making sure I never had to face the darkness alone.

And here’s the part I’ve never said out loud:
Watching you with Ad has been healing for me in ways I didn’t know I needed. You’ve given her the love, patience, and stability we never had - and in doing so, you’ve shown me what a mother’s love truly looks like. It’s made me proud, yes… but it’s also made me ache in the most beautiful way. Because in her eyes, I see the little girls we once were, and I see how far we’ve come.

I am proud of you beyond anything words can hold. For the battles you’ve fought quietly. For the love you’ve poured endlessly. For the woman you’ve become despite everything life tried to take from us.

You are my sister. My mother. My safe place. My forever.
I love you beyond time, beyond distance, beyond life itself.

Always your little sister,
Steph ❤

To My Poopsie Girl - On Your 36th


We grew up together -
four girls woven from the same fragile thread,
Angela, Bommi, you, and me.
Thrown into a world that didn’t always know how to love us right,
learning early that family isn’t just blood -
it’s the hearts that choose to stay.

Our mothers,
both beautiful and broken in their own ways,
couldn’t always hold us the way we needed.
But we held each other -
in scraped knees, in whispered secrets after bedtime,
in the quiet that stretched long between their words.
I was your Budwinkle,
and you, my Poopsie girl.

We weren’t always close.
There were years -
long stretches of silence thick with pride and pain.
Fights that cut deep,
words said in anger,
distance that stretched like a canyon between us.
Times when I wondered if we’d ever find our way back.

But love, true love,
is stubborn and fierce.
It waits in the shadows.
It breathes in the silence.
And it never forgets.

This year, after all the storms,
we flew.
Four flights in just a few days -
Sri Lanka to Singapore,
then Koh Samui,
Bangkok,
and back again.

Just the three of us—
you, me, and Angela.
Bommi was with us always, in our hearts and memories,
but this journey was ours alone.

We shared a room,
a small space heavy with years of unspoken words,
I took two gummies,
you and Angela took one and a half each,
and we passed around a “Double Up” joint.
The world tilted gently,
our laughter spilled like music,
tears came unbidden -
part grief, part relief, part pure joy.

Bangkok felt like a dream.
We spent our days lost in massages,
our bodies and souls unwinding from years of tension,
finding calm in each other’s company.
The go-go bar came later -
a wild, surreal moment we watched together,
laughing at the absurdity,
but holding tightly to each other.

And then there was Singapore again,
Angela’s home,
and little Ad -
just four years old,
already a bright, fierce spark of life.

Watching you with her, Poopsie…
I saw a miracle.

The only child who grew up craving sisterhood
became the sister she never had.
The gentle guardian,
the soft place to land.
You love her with a tenderness
that both breaks and mends my heart.

You carry so much -
years of pain,
storms of anger,
mountains of love,
and oceans of stubborn laughter.

You’ve been a brat,
yes.
You’ve been a fighter,
always.
But above all, you’ve been love -
wild, relentless, and true.

Your haircut still reminds me of Friar Tuck,
and I will never let you live that down 😂
But your spirit?
That cannot be trimmed or tamed.

At 36, I see you -
not just my cousin,
not just my Poopsie girl,
but the woman who breaks and rebuilds herself,
again and again.

Thank you for every time you came back.
Thank you for every time you loved me,
even when it was hard.

I’m proud of you beyond words.
Proud of the scars you wear like badges,
proud of the laughter that rises from your soul,
proud of the love you give so freely,
proud of the sisterhood we fight for every day.

I’m watching our videos now -
wild, messy, beautiful -
and I cry and laugh all at once,
because we have survived,
Because here we are,
still standing,
still loving,
still sisters.

Happy Birthday, Poopsie girl.
May your days be filled with love, light, and blessings.
May your heart stay wild,
and may you always remember -
you are loved beyond measure.

Forever your Budwinkle 💫🩷

For You, Mother

You brought me here, gave me breath,
A gift so profound, it defies death.
Though love, it seems, was not your way,
Still, I owe my life to that fateful day.

You were young, perhaps unprepared,
The weight of motherhood left you scared.
Immature, lost in your own strife,
You gave me life, but not your life.

I’ve searched for answers, and maybe I’ve learned,
That wounds can linger, though bridges are burned.
Yet even in the pain, there’s room to see,
A hope for your soul, to be set free.

May your next journey be filled with light,
Where you find wisdom, and make things right.
May love and kindness guide your way,
And nurture the parts that led you astray.

I wish you peace in the cycles to come,
A chance to grow, to not feel numb.
For while we were strangers, mother and child,
I still hope your spirit becomes reconciled.

Thank you for the start you gave,
Though the road was rough, I am brave.
And when we meet again, if it’s meant to be,
I hope you’ve found the love you couldn’t give me.

Lost in Transition: Navigating the Emotions of Self-Discovery and Healing



It has been a while since I have put my thoughts into words. So much has happened, and to be honest, I am not sure how I feel about it all. My emotions feel like an intricate puzzle scattered across my mind and heart. A mix of contradictions, confusion, and acceptance. Is this a personal crisis? Or is this just what it means to come to terms with the reality of those we once idolized?

Coming to terms with the fact that my mother is gone has been a journey in itself. There are moments when I still feel her presence, like a whisper in the wind or a warmth that lingers in the quietest corners of my heart. But the truth is, she never really tried to be a mother to my sister and me. She was there, yet absent in all the ways that mattered. I ache for the love she never gave, for the words she never spoke, for the nurturing she never offered. My heart breaks for my sister and me, for the void that now lives where her presence should have been.

When I think of my father, I feel sorrow too. Life hasn't been easy for him, and when one carries the weight of past wounds, it’s easy to make decisions that are driven by pain rather than clarity. A life full of undue pressure and sacrifice can shape people in ways that are difficult to understand.

I sit here wondering - was my birth what triggered their struggles? Was I not enough? Was my sister not enough? Sometimes, I cry thinking about it, but I don’t quite know why. It’s just a heaviness that lingers in my heart. And when that weight becomes unbearable, crying in solitude helps me gather my thoughts and breathe again.

This has been a recurring cycle for over a year now. There are days when I feel completely shut off from my emotions, and then there are moments when I feel overwhelmed with feelings I can’t even put into words.

Yet, through it all, I find solace in the higher powers of this universe - Jesus, Shiva, Vishnu, Durga. I feel like they are all watching over me, like nurturing parents offering comfort in moments of distress. For that, I am forever grateful.

I am also grateful for the things that keep me going - the stability of my job, the people I work with, my sister, my niece, my friends, my cousin - who is also my soul sister - and even the little stray dogs and cats that pause their day to greet me. They remind me that despite the uncertainty, love and warmth exist in the smallest of moments. I hope to continue finding the strength to live so I can cherish these blessings for as long as I can.

I have come to understand that impermanence is the only constant in life. And most of the time, I feel like I don’t quite belong here. When I look up at the vast night sky, I feel as though my true home is somewhere among the stars—far away from the chaos of this world. Perhaps, I am just a wandering soul on this planet, searching for a space to finally call home.

For now, I will keep searching. I will keep living. And I will keep finding beauty in the little things.

Are We Living a Conscious Life?

When you get to a stage of profound awareness, you tend to see the world through a different set of eyes. As time goes by, I continue to disseminate the negative layers of a lifetime that held me back. I'm beginning to see how simple life really is. People of the world have become slaves to worldly things, they themselves have created. Causing hurt and pain to another living being gets easier every day because people are taken for granted and continue to be consumed by their own life and what they need to do. Selfishness floats around aimlessly and fills spaces more than the air we breathe. Destruction is inevitable. Do you remember the Easter bombings that took place two years ago on this very same day? Nurturing yourself to be a conscious human being is a difficult journey but that's what helps you see how simple life really is. I recently received more clarity through the lesson of hurt. If we don't value and appreciate a living being who loves us unconditionally and effortlessly, that hurt we cause returns not only back to us but to our loved ones as well. That really got me thinking. I guess that's what they refer to as karma. For the most part of it, I thought of how I can continue to be strong enough to remove myself from a person or situation that hurts me so that no one else gets hurt in the process. When I remove myself from that very same circumstance, then no sin can be committed, by anyone or anything. 

Time is precious. When we wake up every single day, we are given a chance to live, breathe and make ourselves better in every aspect of our lives. If we look beyond the very same God or people who have been there for us, holding our hand through everything and don't do the same for them, then God will change their hearts in due time. God does this not because he doesn't love us but because he's trying to teach us a lesson that we haven't fully learnt. No matter what values you have been taught while growing up, you can mold yourself to be the best version of yourself because each one of us are accountable for our own lives. From our past experiences, we need to take the good and leave the bad behind. You see, the funny thing about life is that we are all blessed with beautiful talents, gifts, people, situations and so much more but how we appreciate them and nurture them each day, is what counts. We've got 24 hours in a day so it's up to us to choose wisely and give of our time and energy to the elements closest to our heart. If we don't, the very same things that we were blessed with, will be taken away. And regret is a lesson too. In everything God provides, there is a lesson and a blessing. When we pray, it’s not only God who hears us. There is evil listening on it too. Evil too, listens in on our prayers and creates a package that we may feel is right for us. This is why being conscious of everything we say, think or do in alignment with God's purpose for us is so important.

So, before you begin your day, take a step back, pray and ask the one up above, do I use up my time wisely on the things that matter the most? Am I investing on myself to glorify God's name or am I investing on myself in relation to worldly ways? Am I a balanced individual - physically, emotionally, and spiritually - or am I caught up in life's rat race? Am I aware of the blessings God has provided through people or situations or do I take those blessings for granted? Do I give of my time to nurture a strong foundation for all the blessings God has provided me with? Am I consistent in showing love, care, and appreciation to God, people or situations I consider important in my life? Do I unknowingly reject or hurt God or the people who deserve to be treated better?

Living a conscious life isn't difficult but to do that, one must reach a profound level of self-awareness from within. When we are aware of ourselves more profoundly, we can be even more aware of the impact we create towards people, our surroundings, and the universe around us. And until every person discovers that awareness within and connects to the higher consciousness realm whole-heartedly, the world will continue to be filled with darkness where evil parades itself gloriously. If we let this darkness consume our lives, things like immorality, greed, malice, wickedness, lies, hate, arrogance, selfishness, self-centeredness, ignorance, sadism, moral disengagement, egoism, machiavellianism, spitefulness will overpower us. Look around us. These are the very same contributors that destruct so many lives. What stems from evil eventually leads to unfortunate events such as child trafficking, unethical business endeavors, poverty, murder, divorces, broken marriages, broken hearts, broken families, drug addictions, workaholism, alcoholism, mental addictions, physical addictions and so much more.

We can all fight this together as God's individual creations but to go down that path, let's become more conscious - more aware of ourselves and what we do. If we do things the right way and lift ourselves up to a realm of higher consciousness, we can make the world a better place, not just for us, but for our future generations as well. 

Living for Today

Someone very close to my heart told me that instead of thinking of tomorrow, we need to live for today. It really got me thinking. So if I were to think of living today, I'd probably give of my time and energy to the things or people that matter to me the most because we never know what will happen tomorrow. Maybe I'd add helping a living being or a couple of living beings into the mix as well and appreciate God's creation of this beautiful planet that we have conveniently destroyed. 

So many of us take so many things for granted without realizing what's here today could be gone tomorrow. It only takes a moment for things to change. So I guess its important to take inventory and make sure that each day is spent wisely on things that matter because when we go six feet under, your soul will rest in peace with these beautiful memories. 

To me, no materialistic thing can replace the amount of smiles I can put on a person who really needs it, giving of my time and energy to people who I value no matter how hectic my day gets, feeding a couple of road doggies and teaching a 10 year old to pray to our invisible, father and friend. 

I guess today will continue to remain our reality and tomorrow will remain a possibility. Living for today really makes sense so open your heart, mind and soul to life's truest essence. 

It’s a Good Life!



As human beings it’s only natural to wish for the things we don’t have instead of being thankful for the things we already have. Sometimes when you go about with life, you will meet people – people who have been through so much in life. Things you can’t even imagine. And I’ve always realized that I encounter people of this nature when I feel like there are missing pieces in my life. Listening to what these people have been through always makes me grateful for what I already have. Gratitude is something we sometimes forget, maybe not intentionally but because of the life we live. Because of the pain and sorrow we go through. Pain varies from person to person, but I guess to overcome your own pain, God puts certain people in front of you, so that you’d become stronger and happy with the blessings you already have.

Today, I would like to be grateful for the good things I’m blessed with. A roof above my head, a comfortable bed to sleep on, food to eat,  plenty of water to drink, a family to lean on, a loving boyfriend to have and to hold,  a supportive circle of friends, the beauty of nature – be it sun or rain, a job that helps me earn an income to do the things I like to do and so much more. If you are reading this right now, and you’re having a bad day, remember, there will be light amidst all of that darkness. You just need to take a closer look and it’s right there. The more you count your blessings and continue to do good for humanity, the more you’d be rewarded with so much more.

Believe in yourself, always. Believe that you have a purpose in every situation you encounter.  

And even though life gets rough, it’s just to make you tough.

Tough enough to be a WARRIOR.

A WARRIOR who’d continue to FIGHT for their LIFE because in the end, that’s what makes it WORTHWHILE 💗.
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