Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts

Lost in Transition: Navigating the Emotions of Self-Discovery and Healing



It has been a while since I have put my thoughts into words. So much has happened, and to be honest, I am not sure how I feel about it all. My emotions feel like an intricate puzzle scattered across my mind and heart. A mix of contradictions, confusion, and acceptance. Is this a personal crisis? Or is this just what it means to come to terms with the reality of those we once idolized?

Coming to terms with the fact that my mother is gone has been a journey in itself. There are moments when I still feel her presence, like a whisper in the wind or a warmth that lingers in the quietest corners of my heart. But the truth is, she never really tried to be a mother to my sister and me. She was there, yet absent in all the ways that mattered. I ache for the love she never gave, for the words she never spoke, for the nurturing she never offered. My heart breaks for my sister and me, for the void that now lives where her presence should have been.

When I think of my father, I feel sorrow too. Life hasn't been easy for him, and when one carries the weight of past wounds, it’s easy to make decisions that are driven by pain rather than clarity. A life full of undue pressure and sacrifice can shape people in ways that are difficult to understand.

I sit here wondering - was my birth what triggered their struggles? Was I not enough? Was my sister not enough? Sometimes, I cry thinking about it, but I don’t quite know why. It’s just a heaviness that lingers in my heart. And when that weight becomes unbearable, crying in solitude helps me gather my thoughts and breathe again.

This has been a recurring cycle for over a year now. There are days when I feel completely shut off from my emotions, and then there are moments when I feel overwhelmed with feelings I can’t even put into words.

Yet, through it all, I find solace in the higher powers of this universe - Jesus, Shiva, Vishnu, Durga. I feel like they are all watching over me, like nurturing parents offering comfort in moments of distress. For that, I am forever grateful.

I am also grateful for the things that keep me going - the stability of my job, the people I work with, my sister, my niece, my friends, my cousin - who is also my soul sister - and even the little stray dogs and cats that pause their day to greet me. They remind me that despite the uncertainty, love and warmth exist in the smallest of moments. I hope to continue finding the strength to live so I can cherish these blessings for as long as I can.

I have come to understand that impermanence is the only constant in life. And most of the time, I feel like I don’t quite belong here. When I look up at the vast night sky, I feel as though my true home is somewhere among the stars—far away from the chaos of this world. Perhaps, I am just a wandering soul on this planet, searching for a space to finally call home.

For now, I will keep searching. I will keep living. And I will keep finding beauty in the little things.

My Beautiful Sister You


You are the only one who understands the amount of laughter we shared, the tears we cried, the tremors of anger we felt while we were growing up. You understand it the same way I do. The joy and pain throughout our younger years, it is you who understands. Because, no one else went through it with me. You were the one. We were in it together.

Silently, you were a huge piece of my strength. If I didn't have you, things would have been different. Things would have been harder than what it already was. I remember the nights you held me tight, telling me things will be alright. You took on the role of a mother, when there wasn't any other. I'll always love you and be grateful for that.

Someday, when you have your own child, that child will be lucky in your arms. That child will feel the strongest feel of love. A love that comes from the core of your soul. I know what that felt like. Because, you made me feel that way. You made me feel loved. You made me feel wanted. You made me feel like I was home. You were my home.

Now as years have passed by, you have found someone as loving as you are. Someone who makes me feel like he's a brother from another mother. I couldn't be happier for the love you found. You are both lucky to have each other. You are both beautiful human beings. I know he takes away your pain and replaces it with a tremendous amount of happiness gained.

My beautiful sister you. You'll always be a huge part of my heart and soul. No matter where life takes us and no matter how much of distance it creates, I'll be thinking about you before I sleep tight and hoping for your future to be, oh so, bright! Brighter than the stars that that spread across the infinite sky. Brighter than streaks of sun that constantly shed some light.

I miss our younger years mostly because of you. Because, you swept out the thunderstorms out of sight. I sometimes hear your voice and feel your heart of gold, even though you're not around my soul.

My beautiful sister you, always remain beautifully you.






A Prayer For Healing


I pray that you will tell yourself just the way I have,
That we made the decision together,
That we went through it together,
It stands to be an experience in the past,
And it will remain that way.

I pray that you will find yourself,
And treasure yourself,
For the beautiful person you are,
And for the glorious person you ought to be,
And it will remain that way.

I pray that you let your inner strengths,
Trample the weaknesses,
And motivate yourself to believe that you are created,
And that you will be ecstatic about yourself,
And it will remain that way.

I pray that you will let your eyes water,
And set your heart free,
Of the pain that has drowned you,
And let you feel the relief of a healing soul,
And it will remain that way.

I pray that you will forgive yourself,
Just the way the savior has forgiven you,
For the sins you commit is seen,
And the forgiveness you seek for is always given,
And it will remain that way.

I pray that you will forgive me,
For my heartfelt apology,
And understand that I have understood,
What you went through was just the same as me,
And it will remain that way.

I pray that you will apologize to our dear one,
Just the way I have,
And lovingly say that,
It wasn’t time for your arrival,
And it will remain that way.

I pray that you will hear the sound,
Of our dear little one,
Saying ‘It’s ok’,
‘I know it wasn’t my time’
And it will remain that way.

I pray that you will look at me,
And tell yourself that,
Both of us are two very special people,
Needed in this world,
And it will remain that way.

I pray that you will hear me,
Calling out for you,
Earnestly in my prayers,
And telling you that ‘We are going to make it’,
And it will remain that way.
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