Indigo Transcendence

It has been a while since I have put my thoughts into words. So much has happened, and to be honest, I am not sure how I feel about it all. My emotions feel like an intricate puzzle scattered across my mind and heart. A mix of contradictions, confusion, and acceptance. Is this a personal crisis? Or is this just what it means to come to terms with the reality of those we once idolized?

Coming to terms with the fact that my mother is gone has been a journey in itself. There are moments when I still feel her presence, like a whisper in the wind or a warmth that lingers in the quietest corners of my heart. But the truth is, she never really tried to be a mother to my sister and me. She was there, yet absent in all the ways that mattered. I ache for the love she never gave, for the words she never spoke, for the nurturing she never offered. My heart breaks for my sister and me, for the void that now lives where her presence should have been.

When I think of my father, I feel sorrow too. Life hasn't been easy for him, and when one carries the weight of past wounds, it’s easy to make decisions that are driven by pain rather than clarity. A life full of undue pressure and sacrifice can shape people in ways that are difficult to understand.

I sit here wondering - was my birth what triggered their struggles? Was I not enough? Was my sister not enough? Sometimes, I cry thinking about it, but I don’t quite know why. It’s just a heaviness that lingers in my heart. And when that weight becomes unbearable, crying in solitude helps me gather my thoughts and breathe again.

This has been a recurring cycle for over a year now. There are days when I feel completely shut off from my emotions, and then there are moments when I feel overwhelmed with feelings I can’t even put into words.

Yet, through it all, I find solace in the higher powers of this universe - Jesus, Shiva, Vishnu, Durga. I feel like they are all watching over me, like nurturing parents offering comfort in moments of distress. For that, I am forever grateful.

I am also grateful for the things that keep me going - the stability of my job, the people I work with, my sister, my niece, my friends, my cousin - who is also my soul sister - and even the little stray dogs and cats that pause their day to greet me. They remind me that despite the uncertainty, love and warmth exist in the smallest of moments. I hope to continue finding the strength to live so I can cherish these blessings for as long as I can.

I have come to understand that impermanence is the only constant in life. And most of the time, I feel like I don’t quite belong here. When I look up at the vast night sky, I feel as though my true home is somewhere among the stars—far away from the chaos of this world. Perhaps, I am just a wandering soul on this planet, searching for a space to finally call home.

For now, I will keep searching. I will keep living. And I will keep finding beauty in the little things.